as an artist, i am…

…isolated, most of the time. Art is a lonely profession, but it also gives me a lot of time to live in my own head. Sometimes to shut it up, i sleep. Today is Martin Luther King Jr. day. So i am thinking of him. i think he wouldn’t be happy with us (humans), our pathetic baby steps, stumbling in our pathetic attempt to live his dream. and i am so sorry for that. But we humans have always been full of egoism. WE ARE RIGHT & YOU ARE WRONG. just like kids on the playground. Man hasn’t ever really been peaceful for long.

“Faith cannot manifest itself in a person without being accompanied by fear, for egoism bows only to fear” ~The Book of Zohar

This is going to sound absolutely MAD, NUTS, CRAZY…but that is ok. You can blame it on the Dilaudid pumped through my veins (broken Pelvis by a surgeon (butcher) at Huntsville Hospital in Alabama) i had a dream, in 2012, that was felt more real then life itself feels. It was only a dream. But one that changed (profoundly) my life. (geez, amy ur a nut job, i know, right?!) i was incredible pain, in my bed…praying for unconsciousness (otherwise known as sleep, the solver of many problems) as i fell asleep, i remember thinking, “why me, why me, why do i have to hurt so f*cking much?! GOD! WHY ME?!

i dreamt about God or really, god…(because it is my dream, i’m not going to capitalize him as though he were, you know, HE) he looked like Michelangelo’s version of God w/Adam, combined with my Great-Grandfather’s Zohar sculpture, seen below and…Santa. a Human concept of God. For i do know God in neither male or female (or perhaps both?) digressing…the dream started with me ascending from a pinewood forest, i felt someone beside me, oh, i was so safe & warm & free of pain. In my dream, i knew him to be god. I asked him why i have to hurt so much all the time, in every way. he spoke inside my head as we kept rising. he said,”look below you, what do you see?” “among the trees, there are giant rocks making a path. (some how i knew that each stone represented a year) i see a  bright man walking down a path that is twisted, hilly, with a fork in front of him.”(i could only see a few stones behind & in front of him, they were hidden from him & me) one path led to good, the other, i felt was wrong, for this man, without understanding why. I asked him (in my dream) “You are not going to show him the right path to take?” and he answered, “No, he must make his own choices, i may give hint along the way, but it is his choice to listen, to have faith.” I told him i am on a bad path & i hurt so much, why me?!” he turned to me, faced me for the first time in the dream. His eyes…pure LOVE, warmth, light and a sprinkle of humor. He turned away, and i fell back into blackness & then woke up screaming because my SI joint (the one that was butchered) had slipped, I screamed to go to the ER. PAIN. but he (almost ex-husband) always gave me an ambien when i hurt beyond what i could handle.

See, here is the thing. I shouldn’t have felt like my SI joint had come undone, because the butcher at Huntsville Hospital was supposed to take out the joint. What was happening was, the bone had become infected & was dying & dead. I didn’t know i had a broken pelvis because i was informed on my last post op, “You have a dislocated pubic bone, have your PT look at it” this was the lie i repeated, & was ignored for years. Soon after the dream, a doctor found all this out… i was fixed as much as possible by an awesome Trauma Surgeon at Vanderbilt Hospital.

Ok, most already know i’m a bit strange. even though it was a drug induced dream. The feelings i felt, remain. i can see the man, from above, as clear today, as i did when i dreamt it. so, the dream changed me…

“There is a force of negativity -the Opponent -that exists within each of us, and its sole purpose is to challenge us to overcome it thereby becoming better versions of ourselves”

-Spiritual Principles of the Kabbala

what does this have to do with Martin Luther King Jr?

Well, the man i saw from above was glowing a bit-a white light. I wondered about how God would see us? Would He see us as black, white, Asian, Middle Eastern, Hispanic, mutts perhaps, all of us? Would he care about our religion, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhism….which one would He want to cover the earth?

I don’t think he sees us as we see ourselves. If the Divine is in each of us, then perhaps He sees us by our actions…how we treat each other, our giving, loving, kindness…(or arrogant, selfish, greedy, mean) all these things are in each religion if we were to break it down to bare bones of the issue…ah, bones, we all look the same under our skin. We all struggle, but i think it would be so much easier if we could simplify ourselves & see each other as He might. We all have a part of the Divine in us. Wouldn’t that be awesome. I do believe it is well past time we grow the hell up.

IMG_5927The Zohar says it best. (to me)

“In love is found the secret of Divine unity. It is love that unites the higher and the lower stages of existence, that raises the lower to the level of the higher–where all become fused into one”

“Everything stands on Love” -The Book of Zohar

~crazy amy.

PS What if God is both male & female, we humans have been divided in half. Hmmm…notice when a society treats woman with respect & love the society is more balanced? If man & woman are together, as a team, they change one another. the woman may soften his edges, and he be at her back, lending his strength, they hold each other up. But in societies where Men treat females as possessions, if man commands, orders, shuts her away, hides her under a mask…the society falls into RAGE.

just kinda pointing this out, just in case you haven’t had a chance to fly above us all.

 

14 thoughts on “as an artist, i am…

  1. Lots of thoughts to ponder. Just one comment: I’ve lived in many, diverse societies and organizations. The only ones that work (for me) are those with the correct (50/50) mix of women and men. Indeed all the others are falling into rage. 😦

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    1. Yes!! I am reading a book right now that described woman & men in a unique way…”…People say, How can she be with him, they’re night and day? But night and day make twenty-four hours. Day pines for shade and night for definition. Each completed by the other becomes more assuredly what it is…” The Book is, “Bedlam, a novel of love and madness” By Greg Hollingshead. Kind of a crazy read, but fantastically written. ~amy. If God is both male & female, then the unity of two souls (despite their sex) complete one another…a hard ride, i keep failing at. I’ve given up on finding another half of me…although, if i had to LOOK, i would FIND one in Bedlam (if it was still here) ~amy

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    1. Sir Maverick,
      it was the coolest dream ive ever had, because it felt the most real, is the reason i held back from ever sharing it. With anyone. Hopefully, no one that i know will read it. 🙂 If that is how my brain works while in pain, with supposed pain medication & sleeping, it is a pretty wild ride. i suppose the dream was based on, “standing in another man’s shoes” which…bottom line is something we all need to do quite often. Thanks for reading. ~amy

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    1. Thank you, Paully. I quoted the Zohar because, the pedestal or base is a book my great-Grandfather sculpted & his head, sits atop it, “The Book of Zohar” Very few are allowed access the book. However, i found lots of quotes for it online. I thought them magical. ~amy

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      1. No sir, i hadn’t thought of my craziness of the post being ‘nice’ i was thinking more along the lines of ‘nuts’ that is all. I meant no harm. 🙂 Thank you for commenting. Your blog is wonderful BTW. ~amy

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      2. I’m still lost! So hopefully this will clear it up 😉 Your Great Grandfather’s carving is great work. Your post was excellent reading. I am looking forward to exploring more of your posts and site. ;)x “There”

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