Well, here i go again. We were together for about 7 months. Not very long- But it was very powerful. Of course we met when i had to deal with incredible pain-i needed my neck fused. I was on steroids (i HATE steroids) that made me crazy & FAT (i HATE getting FAT more). I was mean, i hurt him. And he hurt me in ways i don’t think i can ever recover from. He was a wonderful man, sometimes. And we had a lot in common. We have been texting everyday until a few days ago. Last time i hugged him, it felt like the safest place in the world. But those hugs are no longer mine. Best friends are hard to let go. But let go i did.
I’ve read advice on how to get over or heal from a break up. I found a list of these 7 things…
- Write or Talk it out (i’m writing)
- Take care of your body (i don’t have to shave my legs everyday)
- Get active (i’m walking my puppy & mopping up puppy pee)
- Remind yourself of all the great things you have in your life (i have everything i need or want. Everyone i love is healthy & happy, in this moment)
- Do things you LOVE (taking photos, painting, blogging)
- Try an Obsession diet (no)
- Give back (I’ve got nothing to give back at the moment because i’m tired)
Ok, well these are all nice things to do. But a break up is a minute by minute rollercoaster ride from Hell. There are moments you forget you’re unlovable. There are times you forget how many stupid mistakes you made. And then there are moments of regret, so LARGE they can feel like a physical blow. What if, what if…John Greenleaf Whittier wrote it best…
“For all the sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest of these, ‘It might have been'”
Exactly. What could have been if i…
So what do i do? I’ve been trying to fill the hole that he left behind. I miss sleeping in his arms. I miss snuggling on the couch watching movies. I miss, i miss, i miss…ad nauseam.
Being alone is a choice, but so is being lonely. I hate lonely. The times i feel lonely, i want to find a way to fix it. But by right, i am allowed to indulge in it too (if no one is watching, except the dog & cats). Your family & friends will listen–once. The second time, they kinda want you to shut up already. This is why…They have been where you are. They survived in their own way. That means that i have to figure out MY WAY.
How i’ve been riding the roller coaster…
I’ve become a teenager again. I have been watching stupid movies or superhero movies (wonder woman really works for me) I’ve been buying frozen food so i don’t have to cook. I walk the dog. i read for days. I FILL the whole HOUSE with MUSIC, and i dance. I clean, i mop up puppy pee, i take photos….those sound nice.
But what about…when i suddenly remember i am alone again? It slams into me like a physical blow. BAM! What do i do then? I become a toddler. I cry, i scream, i throw epic temper tantrums (with no witnesses)…and then i’m done. Well, not quite, i then nap.
Until the next wave comes…at first i thought it might consume me. But it hasn’t. I keep busy, i grow stronger, i fall apart, and i pick up the pieces of me he left behind & glue them back together as best i can.
I can do this. My life is my story & it isn’t finished yet. I’ve had many “might have been(s)” I could have had one today. I could have chosen not to write my thoughts here. I could have gone to bed with all these words unwritten. What i’m saying is, we all have some choice in how it plays out. You cannot control everything your life. But you are in control of how you respond to it. Are you going to be brave? Or are you going to go back to bed?
Your life is a story. And stories have chapters. The end of some chapters can be brutal, and some can be amazing. Look back at what you’ve done, how strong you’ve been. Look at how many times your heart has been shattered, yet you lived through it all. And it’s now a memory. I can guaranty you’ve learned something from it. You’ve been brave and you’ve been pathetic. But you’re still standing, right? Then finish, rid yourself of “what might have been” as often as possible and change the title of your new chapter to “what I will be…”
2me4art 
Sorry to hear that my friend. But then remember the Mexican saying: “Mejor solo/sola que mal acompañado/a”. Better alone than in bad company. You will get over it. I’m sure.
And sorry about the neck? Fused? Ouch. I hope you are better in that aspect too.
Take care
LikeLike
Hi Equinoxio21, Nice saying. He wasn’t bad company, we just didn’t fit right. He is a good friend. Yes! a cause for celebration having my neck fused! i had a huge commission over 10 years ago & i’ve had pain since then. Last year it became unbearable. Docs took out three vertebra & i have no more pain!!! Its a miracle! Thank you for your comments & advice! ~amy
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Amy. I’m glad it worked for you. (3 vertebrae, OMG) I have back problems L5, S1 but have not taken that decision.
And “fitting” is important. No worry. Better luck next time.
Be good.
Brian
LikeLike
Hi Brian, I had surgery because my pinky & ring finger, bilaterally, started going numb and/or tingling. Then it became hands, then arms. I was killing nerves, that may or may not return. As of yet, i still get tingling when i lie on my back. It tells me they are alive, which gives me hope they will heal. Doc says anywhere from 6 months to a year…that is why i did it. If you suffer every minute of everyday with your back & nothing is working. I’d look for the best surgeon you can find. Worth it! Thank you! You be good too! ~amy
LikeLiked by 1 person
You did well. Fingers tingling are a telltale sign. You did well.
My back problems are… not clear. Not enough to warrant surgery at any rate. A bit of Tradol and changing positions seem to do the trick: i.e. not sit too long, don’t stand too long. Walking any distance is fine. I can manage.
Did they recommend swimming as therapy? (Or piano?) 😉
Be good Amy.
LikeLike
Hi Brian, i’m glad your back pain is manageable. No physical therapy was recommended post op. Take care of yourself! ~amy
LikeLiked by 1 person
You too Amy. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey Amy .. so sorry to hear your news. Breakups are never easy. Thinking of you ..
LikeLike
Hi Julie, I wrote this now because i’m the last paragraph. I’m ok now. I love him still & i always will because he was the first man to love me after so many years of darkness. But i’ve got to go forward, best friends are great- until one of us finds love somewhere else. I cannot deal with that kind of pain. Thank you for your kind words! I am happy. ~amy
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know it’s not much consolation but sometimes it’s for the best and there’s something better ahead.
Hang in there, beautiful, talented lady will do just fine.
LikeLike
Hi Maverick! I wouldn’t have shared this had i not figured out a way to be free of it. I am ready to move on. Very ready. Thank you for reading the post & for your sweet words! ~amy
LikeLike
I’m so glad that you have the courage to write about the break up. Your words capture feelings almost everyone has had. I liked the 7 things one can do to heal. Those are things we all can do, even if not healing. I know it’s painful! Thanks for sharing. Love you! Linda
Sent from my iPhone
>
LikeLike
Hi Linda, I could only share when i figured out how to do this. And yes, we’ve all been here, i wanted to remind, anyone who read it, that even though they may feel alone in their pain~ everyone can empathize with them. Thank you for reading! ~amy
LikeLike
I really wish you well and whole’I saw a man on iTunes just make a beautiful piece of sculpture by pouring,patiently something liquid into the holes so it could be fashioned into the thing of beauty that he imagined in his head. It reminded me as you shared, that it would take time.for you will see something beautiful come of your heart ache and loneliness by filling in the empty spaces. I applaud you for writing about your process. I am on that kind of journey as I grieve the loss of my son,Bruce. I grieve that his alone times were so painful. We couldn’t replace it with the efforts,prayers, love it just had to be his and his alone. Thats what hurts me and I can be grateful for the good times he had and wish that you too will be at peace in some new and beautiful experiences with those you love. Be well, and don’t stop sharing,please.
LikeLike
Thank you Babs, your words mean a great deal. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you’re in right now. I shared this because I am so much happier now. I wrote it because most of this is in the past…i wanted to share how i got from there to here. I hope it helps other people figure out how to find their way to heal. love, amy
LikeLike
Amy, you took me back to an emotional place that is uncomfortable and not many like to go. First off, let me express my congratulations on your newest chapter. Say what? Have I lost my mind? No. Congrats are in order for the new beginning you’re in. While it feels crappy at times, you will emerge stronger and wiser (hopefully).WHAT I WILL BE …. is a perfect chapter title for this season of your life book. Btw, love the tags you selected (what the F do I do now? and babbling are great!). Keeping your sense of humor shows you’re gonna make it, girl. “You’re stronger than you know and braver than you think” seems an appropriate quote for the occasion. You got this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Kathryne, Your words are wonderful. I thank you for them all. And thank you for your advice after reading my post (and tags) ~amy
LikeLiked by 1 person