Well, here i go again. We were together for about 7 months. Not very long- But it was very powerful. Of course we met when i had to deal with incredible pain-i needed my neck fused. I was on steroids (i HATE steroids) that made me crazy & FAT (i HATE getting FAT more). I was mean, i hurt him. And he hurt me in ways i don’t think i can ever recover from. He was a wonderful man, sometimes. And we had a lot in common. We have been texting everyday until a few days ago. Last time i hugged him, it felt like the safest place in the world. But those hugs are no longer mine. Best friends are hard to let go. But let go i did.
I’ve read advice on how to get over or heal from a break up. I found a list of these 7 things…
- Write or Talk it out (i’m writing)
- Take care of your body (i don’t have to shave my legs everyday)
- Get active (i’m walking my puppy & mopping up puppy pee)
- Remind yourself of all the great things you have in your life (i have everything i need or want. Everyone i love is healthy & happy, in this moment)
- Do things you LOVE (taking photos, painting, blogging)
- Try an Obsession diet (no)
- Give back (I’ve got nothing to give back at the moment because i’m tired)
Ok, well these are all nice things to do. But a break up is a minute by minute rollercoaster ride from Hell. There are moments you forget you’re unlovable. There are times you forget how many stupid mistakes you made. And then there are moments of regret, so LARGE they can feel like a physical blow. What if, what if…John Greenleaf Whittier wrote it best…
“For all the sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest of these, ‘It might have been'”
Exactly. What could have been if i…
So what do i do? I’ve been trying to fill the hole that he left behind. I miss sleeping in his arms. I miss snuggling on the couch watching movies. I miss, i miss, i miss…ad nauseam.
Being alone is a choice, but so is being lonely. I hate lonely. The times i feel lonely, i want to find a way to fix it. But by right, i am allowed to indulge in it too (if no one is watching, except the dog & cats). Your family & friends will listen–once. The second time, they kinda want you to shut up already. This is why…They have been where you are. They survived in their own way. That means that i have to figure out MY WAY.
How i’ve been riding the roller coaster…
I’ve become a teenager again. I have been watching stupid movies or superhero movies (wonder woman really works for me) I’ve been buying frozen food so i don’t have to cook. I walk the dog. i read for days. I FILL the whole HOUSE with MUSIC, and i dance. I clean, i mop up puppy pee, i take photos….those sound nice.
But what about…when i suddenly remember i am alone again? It slams into me like a physical blow. BAM! What do i do then? I become a toddler. I cry, i scream, i throw epic temper tantrums (with no witnesses)…and then i’m done. Well, not quite, i then nap.
Until the next wave comes…at first i thought it might consume me. But it hasn’t. I keep busy, i grow stronger, i fall apart, and i pick up the pieces of me he left behind & glue them back together as best i can.
I can do this. My life is my story & it isn’t finished yet. I’ve had many “might have been(s)” I could have had one today. I could have chosen not to write my thoughts here. I could have gone to bed with all these words unwritten. What i’m saying is, we all have some choice in how it plays out. You cannot control everything your life. But you are in control of how you respond to it. Are you going to be brave? Or are you going to go back to bed?
Your life is a story. And stories have chapters. The end of some chapters can be brutal, and some can be amazing. Look back at what you’ve done, how strong you’ve been. Look at how many times your heart has been shattered, yet you lived through it all. And it’s now a memory. I can guaranty you’ve learned something from it. You’ve been brave and you’ve been pathetic. But you’re still standing, right? Then finish, rid yourself of “what might have been” as often as possible and change the title of your new chapter to “what I will be…”