there is no such thing as Domestic Violence.

Did the title get your attention? I hope so, i hope to most it felt like a punch to the gut to women & men who have been abused. The title is to catch attention of Mothers, daughters, sisters, friends…we all have women in our lives, but we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but maybe this might help someone else.

Almost all women who are in an abusive marriage have Stockholm Syndrome…DSC_0478

She said. “and i know what causes Fibromyalgia”

I just looked at her, trying to understand this…Non Sequitur. We had been talking about Hilary Clinton & women voting & she says, “There is NO such thing as Domestic Violence…”

She said, “I want you to try & remember the first scary movie you watched as a young teenager. My first was Jaws. I remember sitting in my theater chair, listen to the music escalating…you know something bad is going happen when the music changes…I remember the music in the movie Jaws. I remember wanting to crawl under my seat, cover my eyes, run out of the theater…but at the same time, I knew that it was only a movie…my survival mantra if you will, “It’s only a movie, it’s only a movie”…the rational mind is slow to follow the quicker ‘Fight or Flight response’ & that is what I felt when Jaws came shooting out of the water, do you remember that feeling? My muscles tightened, I started sweating, couldn’t catch my breath…so tense from being afraid. Do you know what I’m talking about?

“God, Yes…I hate scary movies. Jaws was terrifying.” i answered

DSC_0008Then she said this…”That same feeling happened every.single.time i heard my ex-husband’s garage door open”

“Oh, my God, I knew you were unhappy & got better after the divorce. Was he that scary? Did he beat you? I didn’t know, WHY the Fuck didn’t you tell me?” I said and/or shouted…

“I wasn’t ready. But I am now & I want to help other women get out. I want people-mothers, daughters, sisters, grandparents, friends, clergy, everyone to recognize the signs.”

“You didn’t say men or fathers, why?” I asked her.

“Men do not want to hear or listen to stories of domestic violence, whenever i’ve attempted to tell men of my troubled marriage, they would mumble something-like, ‘that can’t be right’ and they would turn tail & run. I truly believe everyone has wanted to smack a family member at some point in their lives, or perhaps they believe they went too far once…and believe themselves to be evil for the thought of it. It is totally normal to think, “damn, I want to smack that smirk of his face” it is quite another to act upon this feeling. So women are screaming & men refuse to listen. Did you think I was a shrew near the end of my marriage? When my ex-husband & I were together for Church?”

DSC_0001“Yes, I was upset that you seemed so bitchy & angry all the time & your ex seemed so happy. I didn’t understand why you didn’t feel lucky to have him” I answered.

“That is one sign to look for…it is not domestic violence, it is Domestic Kidnapping. Because that is the reality.  An abused woman suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. She is only safe to show her anger & hatred for her kidnapper when in the company of others. This never works…because she just looks like a bitch.”

She brought me notes she had taken from her year or so in therapy, notes from-Harvard Health Publications–Harvard Medical School. She said that if what she had to say seems crazy, then she need information from a credible sources.

She, I will call her Rachel…told me during therapy, her therapist said she hears women saying horrible events that are done to them, by their husbands, but then at the conclusion of relaying this information(horror) the abused victims say, “But he can be really nice.”

Rachel said to her therapist, “It is like Stockholm Syndrome” and her therapist freaked out. She said, “OMG, i never understood why women share these stories & then defend the action of the abuser! That is why!!!”

Rachel said she HAD to connect the dots to justify herself to live with him one more day, or kill herself.

I looked up Stockholm Syndrome: Stockholm Syndrome, or capture-bonding is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy & sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors-Sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them.

She told me the perfect example of what Domestic Kidnapping really is. Amazingly, Rachel said that it was the movie, ‘Frozen’–that she SAW what happened to her.

Rachel asked me if i remembered the song, ‘Love is an open door’, done by Anna & Hans. I told her i did. Rachel asked me if i remembered how the two sought to marry now! Her sister’s reaction was, “no, you just met…” throughout the movie Hans plays the hero, in front of everyone, in front of us. Then he takes her in a room. to warm her by the fire, to save her life. Then he closes the door to world outside & that is when WE ALL are completely blindsided & shocked by what he really was. Pure EVIL. We liked him, we wanted him to be the perfect man for her. We wanted the love story. image what that is like for a real woman. To fall in LOVE with a performance then to find out it was all made up & you fell for it! He tricked  you & now you are married to a monster. The humiliation, shame to have been caught-captured & held against your will & diminished by his actions.

The perfect man, Rachel called him “The Performer” She said when she dated her ex, she was so totally in love. They were a brilliant match, they loved the same things. He told her she was beautiful, sexy, smart…and he could make her laugh. She said they could talk for hours. She said, “He made me believe in Soul Mates” But after the beautiful wedding & their honeymoon…she came home from work & He didn’t kiss her back like he usually did. He seemed cold or angry…He said, “I OWN you NOW & i have the papers to proof it”

Rachel said she never saw the man she feel in love with again. But in public, he played The Performer & she had to watch.

She said, “I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that its all fake, he is not nice, he is so mean & hateful & Evil…i thought i would die from holding this in. After the kids grew older & i became less & less of me…i just wanted to die, i was in so much pain from Fibromyalgia, i just wanted to die, i prayed to God every single night to take me away”

Rachel reached a point where she felt she had to survive for her children. She went to her Minister & confessed all. AND, she says, “He saved my life”

She said she knows what causes Fibromyalgia in some cases. She said when a person experiences, ‘Fight or Flight’ but is not allowed to do either, every single day for years on end. Those stress hormones can do damage. I know doctors hate hearing Fibromyalgia, but what they are not doing is asking the right questions, such as:

1.Do you feel worried when you make dinner?

2.Are you ALLOWED to spend money?

3. Do you have good friends? Do you stay at home?

4. Do you worry about what mood your husband will be in when he comes home from work?

5. Do you find yourself hiding in the corner of a room?

6. Are you allowed to shop for food?

7. Do you worry you spent too much money at the store?

8. Do you worry that you didn’t fold or iron your spouses clothes correctly?

9.Is your spouse angry with you a lot?

10. Do you have to ask permission to go out with friends? Does your spouse dislike your friends & your family?

11.Does your husband have any friends?

12. Does the Fucker control every.Fucking.detail.of.your.WASTED. useless.FUCKING.broken life?

13. Is your husband & his family close?

14. Does your husband spend a lot of time alone?

It is simple really.

Chronic Fatigue syndrome is twice as common in women.

3-6 million people in America suffer from Fibromyalgia, 90% of them are women. Fibromyalgia is usually accompanied by mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or eating disorders.

1 in 3 women experience abuse at least one time in their lives.

In the book, “Assholes-A Theory” by Aaron James…he writes: (Because assholes are by and large men, we use the masculine around “he” advisedly.) In chapter 4, page 88 he writes:

“Having now examined numerous assholes, we observe a pattern: assholes are mainly men. Why should that be so? What explains why assholes are so OVERWHELMINGLY distributed among only one-half of the human population?”

read the book yourself if you’d like to learn what he says about that. a good read, unless you’re an asshole–then you won’t understand it.

Women have become more powerful in the last 100 years then in the last 2000. All U.S. states made, “wife beating” illegal in 1920…Since the 1970’s the criminal justice system has begun to treat Domestic Violence as a serious crime. But still, when a woman comes forward with the truth, she looks angry, scared & defensive. WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS TO SEE IS THAT SHE WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO ESCAPE HER KIDNAPPER-thus saving herself & her children (and pets) from having to live in Hell…SHE MUST BE SEEN AS A HERO. STRONG & BRAVE. Because that is what Rachel is.

Signs to look for…and it is our moral obligation to help those in need. (Believe this, if nothing else, if you save one woman-that makes both of you, HEROES)

  1. If a woman finds a man & quickly announces he is “Perfect” or “My Soul Mate” watch him.
  2. If they wish to RUSH to get married. Stop him.
  3. Watch your daughters, sisters, mothers, friends-if the light goes out of their eyes quickly following a rushed marriage…tell her you KNOW he must be a bad man to make her look like she is tired & sad.
  4. If you hear, “I’m not allowed…”.”I will get into trouble”. “Oh, I can’t go out without asking first…” these are SIGNS of a controlling asshat.
  5.  If he is so unbelievably helpful at family gatherings, while the wife just watches in anger. That is a sign that he is “The Performer”
  6. If she becomes sick, or suffers pain…

the photo below are the children hiding from the violence they have to live with.

DSC_0059DSC_0089DSC_0181If i missed something, please let me know. This last photo is for Rachel who is now free.

I was asked by someone who read this post, to include the website to hopeline.

http://www.verizon.com/about/responsibility/hopeline

 

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “there is no such thing as Domestic Violence.

    1. i would be honored for you to republish this, i would hope to help any woman held captive by a monster. i’m sorry i’ve not responded sooner. I am finally divorced from the monster & have been making my home. a safe one. Thank you, ~amy

      Like

  1. I’ve seen it also called domestic terror. Besides the psychopath, drugs and/or alcohol can sometimes play a role as well. When I was a bartender, many years ago, there were a few instances where you suspected an abusive relationship. The difficulty for an outsider is as you suggested the Stockholm Syndrome. One night the couple would be fighting and then the next all lovey-dovey again. One of the main heroes as you’ve said has to be the victim willing to break away. Which can be difficult. Being controlling and obsessively jealous would be two of the main signs to watch out for. Patriarchy also probably adds to the problem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Irene…i do hope some people take her ideas seriously. she seemed to connect dots that no one else could. I’d love it if her story–for now, she told me a lot more, but this was all i could do yesterday, to be shared & read by ALL women. ~amy

      Liked by 1 person

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