how to stop a killer…

DSC_0030 (1) from destroying the soul of a woman.

i receive the magazine, Esquire in the mail…love the articles. the April issue…the editor, David Granger wrote about the lives of women(domestic violence, rape, assault). He wrote, “This is unacceptable. This is no way to live. I don’t know if this issue of Esquire can do anything other then open eyes a little bit, as it has mine. Open eyes to the harm being done to women and to the anxiety too many women live with. And, if we are fair and just, it may also open eyes to the unintended consequences of some to the steps being taken to address our current difficulties” 

Blah, blah, blah…we’ve all heard the same stories. so often repeated, they no longer have meaning for us. domestic violence against women–one in three women will experience it in their lifetime. block it out, it doesn’t have anything to do with you. the women (and men) who end up in a relationship that involves domestic violence are fools. you feel contempt for the woman’s weakness.

but guess what? you’re a fool too. you’ve been played before. do you doubt her & side with her husband…you’ve been played. do you doubt her stories? do you doubt your friend could ever make life for his wife so unbearable, her prayers involve wishing to die? her life is walking on eggshells, she never knows who he will be when he comes home from work. the hair on the back of her neck raises, the same time the garage door does. & triggers the fight or flight response…the longer she is with him, the more the flight response is triggered. she’ll hide.

imagine what it is like to live with a person that can change who he is at any moment? a type of monster–a shapeshifter.

if you have a sister, mother, friend, fall head over heals in love with the perfect man--watch your friend. if the light leaves her eyes, if she avoids you…those are signs to dig deeper. she is too afraid to move. she may be ashamed, embarrassed, believe that no one will believe her over him. she is paralyzed by fear.

all men & women must change the way they think of an abused woman…that she is a fool. if you feel contempt for her weakness, ask yourself if you were charmed by her man too.

if she confesses terror, or uses words like, “he won’t like it” “i’m not allowed” do NOT doubt her, regardless of how you feel about her spouse.

when a woman who has spent years walking on eggshells…as soon as the terror is removed, she will be dancing on air.

and it could be YOU that saved her.

21 thoughts on “how to stop a killer…

  1. Great post, Amy. I was emotionally and sexually abused in my first marriage, and believe me it was degrading and very hard to get away from his “charming” ways. But I did, thank the Lord. He threatened to hit me once, and actually swung at me, but hit the wall I was backed up against instead. That was scary! I just watched (for at least the 5th time) “Sleeping With the Enemy” with my 16 year old daughter last night. I am very sure she would never let herself be abused in any way by a guy, but I still pray she makes healthy choices in the future. She hasn’t really dated yet, but she has liked a guy a lot, and is now seeing that he’s kind of a jerk. Anyway, I have been in the place where I helped a woman through getting out of a much worse marriage than I had, and it isn’t easy. Thanks for posting this!

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  2. Abuse is pernicious. It’s easy to cover it up, both for the perpetrator and the victim. Good you blogged on it. Seems like every other week or so, there is a conviction in our county. Troubling.

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    1. Not troubling, horrifying. My best friend got out, she went to clergy & got the hand to pull her out of her own living hell. She was diagnosed as having PTSD! something i thought you had to go to war to get. I didn’t listen to her. I arrogantly told her to be strong, tell him to go to hell…what i didn’t understand was that she was already there. I wish i had listened & swallowed my advice (like i knew what i was talking about). i always thought a woman had to go to a woman’s shelter to escape. i later learned from her, that is what she thought she had to do to. But it doesn’t have to be that way if we all listen for the signs. We can save her. I could have. I will regret not helping her forever. But she is so, so much better. She looks 10 years younger & her smile reaches her eyes again. ~amy

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      1. Thank you for reading it. It is an important issue for me b/c i watched my friend shut down & i doubted her. How could i have done so? I suppose because he charmed me just as he did her. Human nature to believe the path of least resistance is the answer. ~amy

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  3. Don’t hurt them, they are special and precious. I can’t quite believe in 2015 the conversation still rumbles on. Will we learn. I’m certainly trying. Thanks to Pollox, Nochlin, Plato, Lucas, Emin and those that let me share their spaces. You guide me and make me strive to be better, thank you.

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    1. the conversation still rumbles on…what a benign word. The conversation should THUNDER on. Perhaps if these women knew that they don’t have to go to a woman’s shelter to get help. that isn’t the only option. We, ourselves can take our blinders off, swallow our advice & just listen. Then help her take action. She needs our hands to be pulled from the fire pit of hell she is swallowed in. ~amy

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      1. Amy,

        Sorry wasn’t meant to be inflammatory or dismissive.

        I am trying to understand the systemic issues that are ongoing feminist issues, however my only field of knowledge is within art. Where it would seem, again a massive injustice to women has occurred. As said, Nochlin, Pollox brilliantly demystify for me the phallocentric nature of society as they encounter it.

        As you can see we come at this from different ends of the same spectrum. I am blissfully unaware of the realities of everything. As I suffer from several quite debilitating mental disorders. I am an artist.

        Plato although a part of the same patriarchal system talks of relationships of love and friendship (Eros and Philia) in Lysis. perhaps more people should remember Socrates and the moral guidance that Plato interpreted for us?

        I will bow out of this conversation if I may as it is far too fuelled by the reactionary mind, which damages me.

        Kind regards,

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      2. Hi…your words are interesting. i suppose bowing out of the conversation is what most people do. perhaps, if you do enter it again, with someone else, you’ll refer to it, not as an “ongoing feminist issue” but as a human one. ~amy

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    1. Thank you. for all the posts i’ve done, this one is the one i want to go everywhere. My friend got out. The signs were all there. I just chose to give her advice, like i knew anything like the horror she lived with every minute. I told her to tell him to go to hell…she was already there. That is why she never left, she thought she was stuck in hell & no one would really believe her or care enough about her to come to her rescue. So…save someone if you can. ~amy

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  4. a very timely word – I have known quite a few victims of domestic violence – and it’s not all physical. It takes a huge amount of courage to get out

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    1. i have a best friend that got out. She has PTSD…i mean, isn’t that something someone suffers from fighting in a war? Astonishing…she didn’t go to a shelter, she went to her clergy. Then her clergy found her a lawyer & that lawyer heard the horror & BAM he got a restraining order. She is getting help, as are her children. I do blame myself for not listening sooner. Denial can blind us to another’s horror. She is so different now. She looks 10 years younger & the light is back in her eyes. Thanks for reading. ~amy

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