Most of us carry around beasts. These are mine. Most of the time they are silent & I forget they are here, just waiting to be heard. Sometimes they are loud & they stand on their tip toes to shout in my ear. “You are worthless, you can’t dress, you look like a loser, no one likes you, no one loves you, you can’t paint, you can’t take a picture, etc” say Fear & Doubt
Other times they can be small enough to lounge on the outside edge of my ear & just whisper words. Words that hurt. “He didn’t mean that, he does think your fat.” Words that make me question everything i do. Words that cause self doubt in my ability to do anything at all. A wonderful woman I know said,”Oh, you can do anything, it’s just not fair.” She mumbled the last part. I wished she could see Doubt & Fear snickering on my shoulders then. I’ve heard that before, when I protest, people assume I am fishing for compliments but I’m really wanting them to see my monsters. When given a compliment, I’ve learned to say, “Thank You.” That is a tough thing to say. But I know it makes Fear & Doubt silent. What can they say? Ha! Nothing.
I’ve learned in my 40 years, that all woman have some sort of monster on their shoulders. I know as I age, they’ve grown less noticeable. I’ve learned that wonderful friends can make them disappear. I’ve learned that when someone has the same monsters as I do, we have a hard time talking & it feels like shyness. I know that I cannot really be close friends with them. Not because they are not kind & sweet people, but because they bring my own monsters out. I’ve learned to hold on to the people in my life that make me strong & fearless.
I’ve heard 40 is the best decade because we have learned not to be hurt by others. You no longer worry what people think of you, of your home, of your kids, your life or your damn shoes. I believe it is because at 40, you have found people who bring out the best in each other & you have learned say to hell with the rest.
Having Fear & Doubt keep me humble. They teach me to stop & think before I do something I will regret. They have taught me to understand that maybe other people’s monsters are screaming in their ears & they have not yet learned how to silence them. They have taught me to try to put others at ease.
It is empowering to have your monsters silent. (amy-people are going to think what you write is stupid. amy-nobody reads what you write because you make so many mistakes! amy-maybe you should try brushing your hair instead of writing. amy-Rabbi Scott will write you again…)
Sometimes, when I take a leap & write in my blog, my monsters grow big. I will publish anyway, because I have a friend who will edit it when she finds the time. & I will just move on, because I’m proud that I took that leap.
Just read it to my daughter who said, “you sound schizophrenic”
The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best-Epactietus