This picture was taken on a pier somewhere in Florida, by a kind stranger, old enough to know we could out run him if he chose to take my camera with him.  I look happy here, go figure. I think it was because my youngest still loved to snuggle & looked at me as though I was the sun, moon & stars, a celebrity.  I looked back at him as though he were a big chunk of milk chocolate.  The little blond with the pink glasses, we used to look at one another that way, but she turned her eyes to her father.  I was ok with that, he needed a fan.  While my husband travels, she turned her attentions back to me.  The oldest, the redhead is about 9.  She is just starting to pull away from everyone & then blaming us for not wanting to be with her or not loving her best.  At the time, I thought the days were hard & long.  The thing about my life is, I feel as though nothing is ever going to change.  I’m going to say, “Please stop fighting, please, don’t be rude, do your homework, eat something you are obviously falling apart because your hungry, please clean up your legos or I will, pick up your dirty laundry off the damn floor, brush your teeth, brush your teeth again, make your lunch, make your bed,”  a million times until I can’t stand the sound of my own voice.

My kids are 6 years older now.  My kids asked for a puppy, I told them we have a dog.  They tell me they want a puppy.  I say, well, I wanted babies & now I have children!  My kids say I love my two huskies better then I love them.  I remind them that I used to lay on the floor with them & snuggle & babble.  I tell them I would do that right now if they wanted to. I can baby talk with them too. No thank you, they say.  I remind them that I didn’t want to stop snuggling with them, they chose the time to stop, as a parent, you have to let them go over & over. As long as they understand, that I am their safe harbor to come back to.  I went from being everything to my children, sun, moon & stars.  To being a teacher, a policewoman, a janitor, taxi driver, a woman who’s wallet has money in it (ha), a laundress, a cook, a dancer, a red-raged beast who sends them to their rooms, so they will be safe. When they are enjoying one another’s company, I eavesdrop & smile. If they see me, then they ask me to play, but if I play, the swords of war emerge, competition, comes from a primal place inside of all of us.  I find it so hard to believe they fight for my attentions.  We all live in the same house, each doing our own thing independently. If they wanted to speak to me, they could find me. But they don’t bother, unless another sibling is speaking to me.

My children are so different from each other.  I tell them that, someday they will be each other’s rocks.  That they will know each other longer then anyone one else in the world.  I tell them that this will be a gift.  I get a disrespectful eye roll. Why can’t I just smack ’em?  Because guilt works best.  “If you’er going to be mean to me, I don’t want to be with you”  God, they hate that.

The amazing thing about this crazy life of mine is it sometimes it feels as though time is stuck in the mud.  When change does come, I think time moved too fast.  My rational mind knew the day would come when my children would grow & the oldest would take my car away along with my other two arguing children. Before they left this morning, my oldest, who said she would never be like me, was yelling at her brother to brush his teeth.  While I read emails & drink my coffee. From my desk, I can see my SAAB drive away my children & the noise with it.  It’s quiet.  Peaceful. I like it.

I can’t wait until 3:30, when the noise comes home.  Everyone talking at the same time. Then yelling at the same time. Because time does move too fast & I know that someday, I’m going to watch my youngest drive away, with his wings folded & buckled in.  Ready to begin his life & learn how to fly.

And for the first time since I folded my wings to raise my children, I will be free to start living a different, quiet, selfish life. I imagine I will start by eating ice cream for dinner. Then I’ll bet life will fly by.